After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
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Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’