If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
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On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time