skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
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Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
was Jim off killing horses or…
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.