When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
You Might Also Like
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
The Backseat Boys
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.