I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
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AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
*aggressively waits in line*
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone