if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
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CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
*pronounces patio like ratio