What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Is this you?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…