Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
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If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
im all 3
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons