My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Life hack
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend