Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
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My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh