“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
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If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
We’ve all been there
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Natural selection at its finest
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath