I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
so, is there a mister shapen head
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?