I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
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Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.