If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.