Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
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Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet