robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
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Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
j o i m p
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025