Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
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[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
When ur friends with white people
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.