in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
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[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.