[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
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Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving