What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying