Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
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*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
girls literally only want one thing..
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels