Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
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The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Yup.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!