I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
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Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes