HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
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I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Ummm
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
#DesignFail