Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.