Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
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Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged