If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
FRED: right
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.