I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Lmaoo 😂
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.