Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Good morning y’all ☀️
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine