“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Always…
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“