ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Never be a pizza!
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Posting this on behalf of a friend