Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
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I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.