I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
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Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I put the h in mysterious.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
british sex workers really pound for pound
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂