Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
You Might Also Like
Ape together strong
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
lmao
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.