You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
the three genders
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations