You Might Also Like
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Sign at work today
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.