Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
You Might Also Like
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.