my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
This squirrel eats better than I do
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**