The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
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Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.