If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
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big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Accurate