Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
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I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
ugh not again
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
best first i’ve ever seen
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.