I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Delightful if true: booby trap.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My plans: 2020:
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.