if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
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me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
*seductively corrects your posture*
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness