Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I had to Stop for this
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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