Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
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Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.