A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
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🤣🤣🤣
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
relationship goals
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s