Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
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Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless