Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
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I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
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Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
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10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
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My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”