You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
You Might Also Like
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Cool shirt 🙂
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.