Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
You Might Also Like
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!